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maryam
11 December 2007 @ 12:07 pm
i said i will fucking go through this alone. so please, stop and i mean STOP trying to convince me otherwise. yes, i acknowledge the fact that it is unfair. but this is my life therefore i have the right and the liberty to choose whatever options that come. why would i want to involve someone who hates me? he'll end up killing me before my illness does its work. 

fuck off and i am glad i got rid of you from my system long long ago. a time where i thought things could get better. a time when YOU HAD YOUR FUN and disappeared without a trace. ahah. now you're disappearing again. 

haahhaha. probably because you already got your kicks being a despo. so gross. *shudders*

mm. 
 
 
maryam
03 November 2007 @ 05:50 pm
GAAAHH!!

Ben: you know i thanked izzat for having you. i wanna be there for you like you've been there for me all these while..

awwww. that's sooo sweet. ben is truly the sweetest darling.  WWWEEEEEEE. 

im falling REALLY REALLY SICK. BOO HOO. PFFT. UGH.

oh btw, did i mention before that i LOATHE drunkards?
 I FUCKING HATE ALCOHOLICS!

i saw what i saw. and that was just disgusting. YOUR behaviour towards me is REPULSIVE. i mean, WHO ON THIS BLEEDING EARTH says "i love you" to someone you whom you screw for a night and then COMPLETELY DITCH her ONLY to move on to ANOTHER target???

to be continued.

 
 
maryam
01 November 2007 @ 10:31 pm
pain  
i spend my mornings walking to school with it.  i spend my cold days with it. sometimes i even sleep with it. is this what it's like to be ill?

ok, ill come clean. im afraid. they told me i shouldnt be afraid of anything...even death does not serve a good enough reason to be AFRAID. the scary thing is, this is getting kinda draggy. i spend my days wondering whether i'll be okay.
i read websites on about my symptoms in between my essays.

oh uh. another thing!
SCHOOL IS DRIVING ME MAD WITH ASSIGNMENTS. 
i think i've already gone mad.

1. i have to interview SINGAPORE LYRIC OPERA's arts manager.
2. do my presentation abt him.
3. jeffrey's visual arts research paper.
4. sheow tong's acad writing written review
5. EXAMS!!!
6. music presentation for michelle.

SOMEBODY KICK ME!!!

you.
you completely have disregarded me. now i'm praying that i might just develop numb-ness towards you. i pray that i will not love you. because you really really do not care. you never did. so it will be ridiculous should you suddenly decide to now. you cleverly contrived your warped plan and i am ashamed i fell for it.

why are you doing this to yourself? please grow up.

i can't be bothered with you anymore but please don't do what you did again.

PISS OFF.

 
 
maryam
22 October 2007 @ 10:19 pm
ill  
ok you people were asking what is wrong with me.

it is official. i am NOT well. not at all.

the doctor says i have to go for ultrasound. the nurse will get back to me tmr on e date & time.

and of course why would i tell him if he doesn't give 2 flying fucks? i will have to go through this alone. i have to be strong.

ALL SMILES.

this is so flashy. 
ps: thanks for being there aman.:)
 
 
maryam
17 October 2007 @ 08:58 pm
 i woke up with that sickening lurch in my stomach. 

what have i done? how is it that i try so hard to be everything and yet time and again, fail. Mr. Failure crept into my life a few years ago. No matter how i try to get rid of him. I couldn't. It dawned upon me that i should just give up trying to loose this very-unneeded "friend". Perhaps, if i didn't, he would graciously leave on his own AT HIS OWN WILL.

ok, i know you may think i was just rambling here. Lydia asked me, 

"What's wrong Mary?" Pause.

I swear i sounded like a spoilt tape recorder. I just VOMITTED IT out to her. Lydia, on  the other hand, reacted in an oh-so-lydia manner.

"Typical"

THATS WHAT SHE SAID!!!! BUT HOW ON EARTH CAN THIS BE TYPICAL?!! its not. i feel like sick because i'm feeling this way. THIS IS VERY VERY WRONG.

someone please kick me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCHOOL.

ok school today was awesome. for the first time i hung out with Kris, Sean and Farhan. they're balls of fun and i just couldn't stop laughing. 

And, Farhan thinks I should do a lapdance. 

eww.
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What seemed left your handprints on my canvas
Which rainbow couldn't have you as much
It is what you think it is....

You may not,
but hey, i like you very very much.

-oh yes, you know who you are-
 
 
 
maryam
16 October 2007 @ 05:43 pm
tsk.  
 hey you,

what ever happened to coffee & donuts? 

and quit being delusional. cuz i am not your  "escape".

and yes,

i love you very very very much Haziq.
and yes, i WILL BE SENDING YOU OFF FOR YOUR ENLISTMENT DAY.

mary.
 
 
maryam
30 September 2007 @ 01:07 am
i am so obsessed with this song.

imogen heap- speeding cars

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago


it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah
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Dear God,

i love him. please never forsake him.me.us.  please keep him safe. please love him too. please let him realise that our love is his for the taking. please God, listen to my prayer.

maryam
 
 
maryam
01 September 2007 @ 01:39 pm
How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now 
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maryam
24 August 2007 @ 02:37 pm

OMGGG.

i found out that RL's attached!! i saw him walking with a pretty hot chick in town....hahhahaha...so much for his "alah..who wants me?" nonsense.  well, at least i can walk around sch feeling less self conscious of my body. the thought of someone scrutinizing your body without you even knowing is just...well...creepy.

phew.

i am in a state where i cldnt get any happier. i think i'm beginning to free myself FROM myself....which is really quite liberating. i have only God and my supportive family to thank.

pole, you are the cutest thing ever.

i now, have my answers to everything......EVERY-THING.*huge grins*

 
 
Current Music: The Perishers- Trouble sleeping
 
 
maryam
21 August 2007 @ 01:29 pm

i hate being sick.

no..wait. i am SICK OF BEING SICK. ahh better. i've been on the verge of collapsing for 4 friggin weeks and it really scares me. i do wonder what is going on in my body. i stay with cik lin and the family feeds me very well. i work  hard giving tuition...i have been rather obedient and good.....SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM??!!!!!

it's not fair that my health is catching up on me when he gets away scott free....free of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. i have to shoulder and bear the detrimental emotional shit andddddd.....the physical illness as well. tell me...how is that...fair???

i am sure smth good will be emerge out of this. i believe so.

thanks for yesterday, kim.