i said i will fucking go through this alone. so please, stop and i mean STOP trying to convince me otherwise. yes, i acknowledge the fact that it is unfair. but this is my life therefore i have the right and the liberty to choose whatever options that come. why would i want to involve someone who hates me? he'll end up killing me before my illness does its work. 

fuck off and i am glad i got rid of you from my system long long ago. a time where i thought things could get better. a time when YOU HAD YOUR FUN and disappeared without a trace. ahah. now you're disappearing again. 

haahhaha. probably because you already got your kicks being a despo. so gross. *shudders*

mm. 

GAAAHH!!

Ben: you know i thanked izzat for having you. i wanna be there for you like you've been there for me all these while..

awwww. that's sooo sweet. ben is truly the sweetest darling.  WWWEEEEEEE. 

im falling REALLY REALLY SICK. BOO HOO. PFFT. UGH.

oh btw, did i mention before that i LOATHE drunkards?
 I FUCKING HATE ALCOHOLICS!

i saw what i saw. and that was just disgusting. YOUR behaviour towards me is REPULSIVE. i mean, WHO ON THIS BLEEDING EARTH says "i love you" to someone you whom you screw for a night and then COMPLETELY DITCH her ONLY to move on to ANOTHER target???

to be continued.

i spend my mornings walking to school with it.  i spend my cold days with it. sometimes i even sleep with it. is this what it's like to be ill?

ok, ill come clean. im afraid. they told me i shouldnt be afraid of anything...even death does not serve a good enough reason to be AFRAID. the scary thing is, this is getting kinda draggy. i spend my days wondering whether i'll be okay.
i read websites on about my symptoms in between my essays.

oh uh. another thing!
SCHOOL IS DRIVING ME MAD WITH ASSIGNMENTS. 
i think i've already gone mad.

1. i have to interview SINGAPORE LYRIC OPERA's arts manager.
2. do my presentation abt him.
3. jeffrey's visual arts research paper.
4. sheow tong's acad writing written review
5. EXAMS!!!
6. music presentation for michelle.

SOMEBODY KICK ME!!!

you.
you completely have disregarded me. now i'm praying that i might just develop numb-ness towards you. i pray that i will not love you. because you really really do not care. you never did. so it will be ridiculous should you suddenly decide to now. you cleverly contrived your warped plan and i am ashamed i fell for it.

why are you doing this to yourself? please grow up.

i can't be bothered with you anymore but please don't do what you did again.

PISS OFF.

ok you people were asking what is wrong with me.

it is official. i am NOT well. not at all.

the doctor says i have to go for ultrasound. the nurse will get back to me tmr on e date & time.

and of course why would i tell him if he doesn't give 2 flying fucks? i will have to go through this alone. i have to be strong.

ALL SMILES.

this is so flashy. 
ps: thanks for being there aman.:)

 i woke up with that sickening lurch in my stomach. 

what have i done? how is it that i try so hard to be everything and yet time and again, fail. Mr. Failure crept into my life a few years ago. No matter how i try to get rid of him. I couldn't. It dawned upon me that i should just give up trying to loose this very-unneeded "friend". Perhaps, if i didn't, he would graciously leave on his own AT HIS OWN WILL.

ok, i know you may think i was just rambling here. Lydia asked me, 

"What's wrong Mary?" Pause.

I swear i sounded like a spoilt tape recorder. I just VOMITTED IT out to her. Lydia, on  the other hand, reacted in an oh-so-lydia manner.

"Typical"

THATS WHAT SHE SAID!!!! BUT HOW ON EARTH CAN THIS BE TYPICAL?!! its not. i feel like sick because i'm feeling this way. THIS IS VERY VERY WRONG.

someone please kick me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCHOOL.

ok school today was awesome. for the first time i hung out with Kris, Sean and Farhan. they're balls of fun and i just couldn't stop laughing. 

And, Farhan thinks I should do a lapdance. 

eww.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What seemed left your handprints on my canvas
Which rainbow couldn't have you as much
It is what you think it is....

You may not,
but hey, i like you very very much.

-oh yes, you know who you are-

 hey you,

what ever happened to coffee & donuts? 

and quit being delusional. cuz i am not your  "escape".

and yes,

i love you very very very much Haziq.
and yes, i WILL BE SENDING YOU OFF FOR YOUR ENLISTMENT DAY.

mary.

i am so obsessed with this song.

imogen heap- speeding cars

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago


it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear God,

i love him. please never forsake him.me.us.  please keep him safe. please love him too. please let him realise that our love is his for the taking. please God, listen to my prayer.

maryam

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i have been often described by my boy-genius friend aziz as "volatile".

volatile seems like a quite a nice word to be described as. it makes me sound a little cooler than how it really is. fuck fuck fuck.

i think my hot date this friday has turned cold. so..its a cold date. but now, it's not a date anymore! why? because i don't wanna get involved in a emotional whirlwind where i become the 3rd party being called...once again as the..

"slut who stole my boyfriend"

so, i will back off. it sucks. but i'll manage anyways.

lydia is truly truly a sweetheart and i really admire her for being so strong...i know she'll get through this eventually. and mark is soo lucky to have her despite all that's been happening.

Lydia: you know what i told mark? i said that he was like you with all this drama and all...you know i also told him that you will end up marrying someone who's alot like your bestfriend. 

hmm....i don't know whether i should be flattered or not.

maryam.

it really is a wonder that i am quite unfazed by what just happened. i felt like i have stepped out of my physical self and watched all these as a third party. i totally will never forgive myself for allowing this to happen yet again.

AND YET..

i feel sooo blessed and thankful that i have such a wonderful family who are incredibly supportive despite my flaws.i also feel soo blessed to have hans, eme, erma,ash,tina, gita...etc.

dear God,

don't let me falter. 

mary

the night was chilly. i sat there wondering abt the have-beens. worrying abt the have-nots .  things came and went like a sweeping merciless icy storm. once it hits, you get so overwhelmed by its gusto. you want it to just simply go away. however you feel internally tormented with,

"So, what will happen after the storm's over?"

what will happen to YOU? 

i felt light-headed with these thoughts colliding in my brain. hey, there's only so much a brain can take to cope with the emotions when the heart has given up. 

i have to settle my fees. but, i wanna read harry potter which i have been indulging into for the last 2 days. and of course...the other issues...bigger issues...but i shan't write abt it here. far too painful run through a series of events i just SIMPLY DONT WANNA TALK ABT.

ok, as for Captain Underpants(CU), the 1st time we met, after sucha long time, it destabilised me. he destabilised me. i was sorta NOT prepared for wat  was going to happen. we were supposed to be casual friends. casual.

meaning- a completely platonic friendship.

wrong. it isn't platonic. it will never be that way till we really get over...EVERYTHING. not unlike him, i too don't intend to have a relationship. its nt like i have anything against him per se. its just...i want to be free. free to do whatever...WHENEVER i want. without that burden of responsibility to attend to somebody else.i want things to go the way I WANT it to. and plus, im still so young. n still have so much more to learn and discover. but this is wat my brain tells me. 

my heart tells me, despite of whatever i want, i yearn for smth more elsewhere. i too, want companionship. n he get s me really comfortable....and i KNOW its vice versa. you see, i KNOW he's extremely comfortable with me and i KNOW he loves my company. but he's since he's psychic, he made a prediction which he says was

"inevitable that we would get into a relationship. and i don't want that..."

*raises eyebrows

then...

*claps hands

HURRAH!! at least we BOTH have smth in common. we dont want a relationship. GOOD. then we shan't! we both KNOW what we want. but then he says...

"that's why....we should stop this and take a few steps back...we're going too fast i DONT WANT THIS!"

whoa. yeah its quite true that things are picking up faster than we expected. but every road has its destination. and ours wasn't  a "relationship". we just simply love each other's company and when we spend time together, there was that something. so, why can't we take things, 1 day at a time. we take things as it comes.

we just chill. we don't decide with our brain things which deals with emotions. we just leave it up to God. cuz these cannot be really understood. these things cannot be physically quantified. these things are intangible and it is ludicrous to coldly brush that ounce of human love in anybody. in yourself, in others. it is up to us to bring people faith and love and compassion to the people around us. 

family. friends. ANYBODY. why? because, it is the right thing to do. things like emotions...feelings etc cannot be ruled by  the brain. that's when we don't allow ourselves to grow naturally. and we will be short  of something that life shows us. 

i hate you for being like this. you're the  man of the aesthetics right? i'm the nerd right? why can't you practise what you fucking preach?

ok, even if we choose to see this the way the brain thinks? logically and decisively, according to the brain, EVERYTHING HAS TO MAKE SENSE right? everything has to be logical and free from any jarring loopholes. so..

EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US.  

i fucking dare you to. tell me what happened. truthfully. you know that even if you lie to my face. the truth is there barren in you.  explain what happened for these 2 weeks and WHY and HOW it happened. things don't happen without reason. i'm fucking frustrated by your irresolution and YOUR sheer instability of your thoughts. you were the supposed stable one right? you were the one who always KNEW what you wanted right?

FINE. so...tell me what why you acted and behaved the way you did? was it sympathy? was it something dirty? did you have the intention to fucking get under my pants and then BE DONE WITH IT. 
HOPING I WONT FUCKING QUESTION YOU. AND SIMPLY SWALLOW WHATEVER YOU SAID AND QUIETLY LEAVE???!!!!!!

the saddest part is whatever i say, you will never accept  even if it's with reason. 
you're by far  the most difficult person i have ever met.

ok..maybe this weekend then!!

woohhoooo..zil is gonna get his harry potter book..

HARRY POTTER & The Deathly Hallows!!!

it is sooo tragic that it will be the last book to the harry potter series. i grew up reading it and i will always remain a loyal fan of author JK Rowling. 


marrrryyyammm.

it is quite possible that i'm having pms...as in PRE-menstrual syndrome.

or NOT.

ooooh. this feels like shit. i feel like shit. i feel like as if....i'm being used. i wait. i wonder. i think. i get excited. i get sad. it really has been quite awhile that i feel this way.

the saddest thing is that, i KNOW THIS CANNOT GO ON. i know this will be like an endless cycle. but i just can't get myself to do it. WHY??? is it fear? fear of getting upset? or fear of getting my esteem being crushed yet again?

dear God,

please let me pass through this as seamlessly as possible. i feel like the entirety of my world is delapidating. i resort to partying as a means to release my heartache. that is why i NEED to go tmr. serious. i'm hooked. i can't take this. 

please keep me strong. you have made me so strong. please please please don't let me falter. 
i love you.

maryam.

there are so many hidden undertones that lie in this complicated thinly shredded web we call,

family.

why is it that it has to turn out this way? i don't even possess the nerve to say what just happened here. it's simply revolting.
sighs.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dearest Captain Underpants,

i thought your underpants was soo nice. soo retro. haha. i hope u think likewise. *wink wink

anyways, i'm glad you're taking this break because by the looks of it, you deserve it.  however, there are certain things that is seriously disconcerting.

1. our uncertainty abt the direction we're going

2. its so uncertain- that i wonder whether what we're doing is the RIGHT THING. to me, to do the right thing is of upmost importance.

3. you NEVER allow me to pay for anything. you even get upset that im "wasting my bill" when i call you. hell, if YOU can call me, I CAN CALL YOU TOO.

4. it's so hard for me to decipher what you're really thinking or feeling.  though this is something i have learnt to live with. yes, i know you're not the talker. but when it comes to matters that MATTER, please confide and tell me what's on your mind. 

5. i am soo afraid that the attention you give me is because you felt guilty abt what happened. because if that's the case, i really am telling you that you have nothing to feel guilty abt...i am fine. i survived all these months without you. with OR without you, hell, i will still manage to pull through. you see....you are  not an obstacle. 

seriously, i'd love to see how this goes...i'd love to give this another shot. but most importantly, i'd love to see you  happy. and if being like this is upsetting you, it will UPSET ME TOO. SO PLEASE DONT DO THIS IF THIS IS JUST A MERE OBLIGATION FOR YOU.

you MUST want this and not feel like this is some responsibilty that you have to fulfill. i am NOT your responsibilty.

i dont ever want to be YOUR responsibility. i am my own person. if you want me, want me. and if you don't, then DON'T.

i think if we started afresh, things wld be a whole lot different. things wldn't be great as it was before but it will be BETTER. because NOW, we would know what WORKS and WHAT DOESNT! 

things were so magical then, it can be so now. i believe in it now that i have learned to overcome my instability and my issues. its been nearly a year my dearest...

THINGS HAVE CHANGED. CIRCUMSTANCES ARE DIFFERENT AND  BETTER AS WELL. 

but i'll deal with this like the way i did w kim. 






take or leave it. NO IN BETWEENS please.

maryam.
streesss lahh

Sixpence none the richer- Kiss me

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

[Chorus:]
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ahhh....nostalgia...

i will NOT fall in love.
breathe.
this can and WILL be controlled.

but i can't deny things are always so different when we deal with...YOU.

lalalalala...
*skips to nightsafari...

maryam.

helllooooo

happiness is transient just as it is elusive.. almost all my gfs are facing really shitty times...so it really is kind of unfair to appear like how i usually am...soo bouncy...so cheerful..

dear tina, yanna, nana

you are worth a million times more than those sexually-deprived tit-obsessed  bastards. you guys deserve soo  much more...you guys deserve to be happy...*cough cough

so...can i FINALLY take one of you hotties out on date?? *grins

okok. i geddit. you are guys are straight. it sucks because all hot chicks are taken and when they're not, THEY'RE MY FRIENDS!!!! WTF!!!

oh well oh well....life goes on okay? trust me, i know its tough with those dunderheads(i refuse to call them men. simply because they're NOT! just because they have a sagging bag of excess skin and meat and what-nots on their middle half of  their bodies below their torsos DOES NOT MAKE THEM MEN. REAL MEN don't do such things.) and they're PURPOSELY FLAUNTING their latest-newest-hottest prize trophy possession by their side at the clubs. flaunting and showing them off to YOU. grrrr....

SOME PEOPLE ARE TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON.
don't worry  my lovelies....i'm hotter than your boyfriends.I AM OKAY! SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??!! 
hehehehhe.

anw..i'll see you guys at zouk on sat. we're soo gonna paaarrrtaaayyy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dearest emelya,

i am glad i got my hands dirty(literally...smelly as well) and helped at your wedding. you are really someone who deserves happiness. i wish you marital bliss with shahrome and may your child be as beautiful.......as......MEEE!
HAHAHAHA!!!

nolahhhh. be as wonderful a person..as kind and giving as you. i can only hope to be like you sweetheart. i can never be like you. :)

another thing, i am sorry that i cried. i just couldn't help seeing you going through all these...sucking it all in..and not saying a word....i can only imagine how it really feels...i am sorry that i broke down when i saw his* sms. you and him are going through a torrential period. 

but believe in God. as he loves us and will never neglect us. in Him we gain strength to persevere and carry on. 

i love you so much eme. 
i wish i could have done more though.

hugs
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh haziq has safely arrived back home. and i spoke to his mom...haziq is truly fortunate and blessed to have someone like her as a mom. but then again, which mom isn't good??

all mothers ROCK. yayyyy...i'm gonna be mother soon toooo...yayyyy...BABIES!! KIDS!!! CHILDREN!!!
hahahaha...oh dear with radi SCREAMING at me...and calls me...

"Maaaa!!!! arrrrghh"

and nora crying EVERYTIME i tell her repeatedly to NOT stare at food like that.
and..there's shenny who rolls on the floor then wipes her face after that in the walking pavement when we don't allow her to walk on her own as she will inevitably fall and hurt her knee.

with danish smiling soo broadly at mee when i call out to him

"daaaaaniiisssshhh!!!!"

oh dear dear dear me. i can't wait for  the newborn baby!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okok. social life aside...partying aside...children and family aside...
esther's rehearsals are starting already!!!! wweeeee!! yipeee.. theres an unplug version at esplanade on the 30 and 31st...soo exciting..

finally! a musical! aiyahh..its an all angmoh cast which REALLY reminds me of the musical theatre course in lasalle.
oh well...ill work hard!!

and uh..i really really need to negotiate stuff with my dad abt school. but hes been soo busy lately..going home in the wee hours of the morning...and hes gt some heart problems which he has just discovered recently..

dear God, please protect my family. and friends.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AHHHMAADDDD is BOOKING OUT TMR!!!!. he really makes me feel like a princess....NOT. no more indie boy with messy moppy hair...haha!!

"i ONLY wear special edition clothes ah"

pfft.

THE END.